A furious light sabre duel is under way. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER toward the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.
Darth Vader: "Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father."
Luke: "He told me enough! He told me you killed him!"
Darth Vader: "No! I am your father!"
Luke: "No, it's not true! It's impossible."
Darth Vader: "Search your feelings; you know it to be true."
Luke: "NO!"
Darth Vader: "Yes, it is true and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?"
Luke: "Threepio?"
Darth Vader: "Yes, Threepio, I built him when I was seven years old."
Luke: "No."
Darth Vader: "Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp."
Luke: "I destroyed your precious Death Star!"
Darth Vader: "When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!"
Luke: "Well, it's not my fault."
Darth Vader: "Oh, here we go. 'Poor me, my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday, boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith .... waahhh wahhh!'"
Luke: "Shut up."
Darth Vader: "You're a slacker! By the time I was you're age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!"
Luke: "I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!"
Darth Vader: "Oh, for the love of the Emperor, 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open. Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer, right here baby! Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step toward it.
Darth Vader: "I was wrong. You're not my kid. I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine."
Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft. Darth Vader looks after him.
The day before Thanksgiving this little boy heard his mom and dad
fighting. The husband said to his wife, "You stupid *****, you have
floppy tits." She wasn't about to be outdone and said, "Well you have
a crooked dick, you bastard." Well, the little boy heard every word
they said. After they got done fighting, he went up to the mom and
asked her what *****es and bastards were. She told him that they were
people. Then he asked what crooked dicks and floppy tits were. She told
him that they were coats and hats. The little boy accepted both answers
and went on his way.
The next day, they were getting ready for a huge feast with friends and
family. The little boy went up stairs where his dad was shaving. The
dad cut himself and said "Shit!" Well once again, the boy started asking
questions and asked what "shit" was. The father told him that it
was "shaving cream". The boy accepted this answer and went downstairs
were his mom was stuffing a turkey. When the mom cut herself with a
knife, she said "****!" The boy once again asked what "****" was. She
told him that it was "stuffing". About that time, the door bell rang.
When the little boy went to answer the door, it was his grandparents.
Upon opening the door, the little boy said: "Hi *****es and bastards.
Let me take your crooked dicks and floppy tits for you. ..
George W. Bush's wonderful gaffes and mangling of the English language has made him one of the most quoted US presidents in history, and launched a whole new generation of quotation books.
Here is one of his latest - and will surely rank as one of the greatest - Bushisms. It was spoken at a rally in Poplar Bluff in Missouri on September 6, 2004. He was referring to the issue of frivolous lawsuits running up the cost of health care, which he claims are driving obstetricians and gynecologists out of business.
"We got an issue in America. Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their" - there is a pregnant pause, as he gropes for the right word - "their love, with women all across the country."
American women are probably very relieved that these kind of 'love doctors' are being put out of business.
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man.
"How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
A police stopped a motorist who was speeding on the street. "But officer," the man said, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to put you in jail until the chief gets back."
"But ,officer, I …."
"I said to keep quiet! You are going to jail!"
A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "You are lucky because the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Are you sure?" answered the man in the cell. "I'm the groom."
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records.
At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carelton, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."
"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carelton, with a giant grin on his face, "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."
Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together." The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,” It’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." President Bush said,” Wow! That’s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!!
A cat’s dictionary
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